The Weekly Picks

By: Taylor Rockwell | November 13th, 2008

I’ve decided that, seeing as how Tuesday was Veteran’s Day in America, each match this week will be marked with an honorary battle name. Because I would bet that our veterans would rather have that honor than, you know, not be fighting and dying in foreign countries.

1 - Bolton v. Degenerate Criminals @ The Reebok Stadium

2 - Fulham v. Tottenham @ Craven Cottage

3 - United v. Stoke @ Old Trafford

4 - Newcastle v. Wigan @ St. James` Park

5 - Arsenal v. Aston Villa @ Emirates Stadium

6 - Blackburn v. Sunderland @ Ewood Park

7 - Elijah Wood FC v. Portsmouth @ Upton Park

8 - West Brom v. Chelsea @ The Hawthorns

9 - Everton v. Boro @ Goodison Park

10 - Hull v. Man City @ Kingston Communications Stadium

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1. Battle of an Infuriated Mob of Criminals. How happy do you think Liverpool was to lose to Tottenham twice? I bet Keane was thrilled. I bet Torres loved getting subbed out to make way for Emiliano Insua. I bet that Bolton won’t serve as the whipping boy for that frustration. Oh wait…

PREDICTION: 2-0 DEGENERATE CRIMINALS

2. Battle of the American War of Independence. Yeah, you read that right. When the Colonies rebelled, all signs pointed to them being crushed. Much to the chagrin of Daryl, things went slightly awry for those red-coated sissies. It would usually be tempting for me to go against the favorite in this match. Tottenham is coming off of an emotional victory where several key players figured prominently. I can’t imagine Campbell, Pavluchenko, Lennon, or any of the back four will be exceedingly fresh, and the apparent injury to goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes will give many gamblers pause. They are the colonists. Fortunately for Spurs fans, they are playing Fulham, who appear to be doing everything in their power to secure relegation. Somehow, they are the British.

PREDICTION: 2-1 TOTTENHAM

3. Battle of David vs. Goliath. Cliché, I know… but in this instance Slave is actually Goliath (not the rest of United) and David is a Stoke side that will be frantically trying to contain the future World Player of the Year. I would be willing to bet my life’s savings (all $47 or, with today’s currency exchange rate, £.02) that #7 joins the Century Club in this match. SIDE NOTE: While the majority of voters (results here) preferred that I keep referring to He With the Gelled Hair as Slave, 35 voters isn’t exactly a resounding mandate. So, I will try to come up with other names for Slave in a pathetic attempt to keep everyone happy. But yeah, anyway, Slave will score…. Manucho will debate whether or not life as a permanent United reserve beats playing first team football in Angola/Greece. It is.

PREDICTION: 3-0 UNITED

4. Battle of Waterloo. Everyone thought that a certain 3 foot tall Corsican could not be beaten on the battlefield. Then, slowly but surely, people began to question his decision making until, eventually, he found himself exiled. Hey, Steve Bruce… how would you like your own island? Remember when everyone thought you were going to be the next great coach? Remember when Amr Zaki was single-handedly keeping my fantasy squad afloat? Remember when you could always bet against Newcastle because, I mean come on, they’re Newcastle. I miss those days.

PREDICTION: 1-1 DRAW (IF WIGAN ARE LUCKY)

5. Battle of the Inevitability of Fate. This is the match where my logic from the Fulham-Tottenham match will come into play. The infants outfitted in Arsenal jerseys that took the field on Tuesday against an overwhelmed Wigan team looked like everybody’s favorite Arsenal. Sleek passing, darting runs, gifted defended, and deft finishing characterized a superior Arsenal squad. It would stand to reason, therefore, that an Arsenal squad that combines the standout youths from Tuesday with the class of the first team would punish an Aston Villa side that looked pathetic against Boro last week. Unfortunately, that reasoning would be incorrect. Expect to hear Wenger complain about how everyone and everything affiliated with the F.A. hates Arsenal when his boys drop points against a Villa team desperate to stay in the hunt for top four placement.

PREDICTION: 2-2 DRAW

6. Battle of Gettysburg. In this case, Paul Ince’s men would be the Union side that dug-in and tried to hang on as wave after wave of Confederates came at them. I would usually expect a goalless draw, with Blackburn actually attempting to place 10 players, the front office, and substitution bench inside their defensive six yard box, and hope that Roque Santa Cruz can find a counter-attacking goal. I don’t know if the squad that Roy Keane has assembled with a mere spending spree of £8 billion really resembles the South in this metaphor. Occasionally, they look the way one would expect a team led by Roy Keane to look. Ferocious. Physical. Determined to win. And then they go out and lose three straight to Stoke, Chelsea, and a rudderless Pompey. This week, I expect Keane and his stoic jawline to “motivate” his players to win (“motivate” of course meaning that he will actually beat Kenwyne Jones to death moments before announcing his starting lineup).

PREDICTION: 2-1 SUNDERLAND

7. The Battle of Mid-Table Mediocrity. Ever wanted to see what happens when one team that will inevitably finish 9-14 plays another team that will finish 9-14? Well then tune in Saturday morning and prepare to see some form of football. I suspect Zola will inevitably take a page out of Keane’s playbook and murder Freddie Ljungberg. Even if he has already packed up and fled to Seattle.

Prediction: 2-1 Elijah Wood FC

8. Battle of Rambo. If you’ve ever seen a Rambo movie, you know that he is a highly trained, highlight skilled warrior who routinely slaughters weaker opposition whenever he sees fit. Indeed, if John Terry could stop crying and put on a headband, the Hawthorns may end up looking something like this before the day is done.

Prediction: 3-0 Chelsea

9. The Battle of the Teams That Continually Ruin Taylor’s Predictions. Every week that I think both of these teams may be good, they are both terrible. When I then pick them to be terrible, they both play exceptional (and by “exceptional” I mean “score a goal and then put 10 behind the ball”). So this week I don’t really know what to say. It could be a scoreless draw or it could be 4-0 to either side. If Wigan were somehow included in this scenario, I would probably have an aneurism trying to figure out what would happen. Whatever the result, just know that I will somehow be 1) wrong and 2) furious.

Prediction: 2-1 Everton

10. Battle of the Bulge. This week could be the breaking point for either side. Hull, who have performed admirably thus far, could see a loss as the beginning of the slow descent into the bottom half of the table (SIDENOTE: I really hope this is not the case). On the other side, Mark Hughes was summoned to Abu Dhabi this week where he was given a vote of confidence by the City board…. So you know that means that if he loses, he will probably have his things packed by Wednesday. Indeed, whenever I read anything about City’s owners, I am reminded of one my favorite fake-news articles: Steinbrenner Signs 10-Game Winning Streak to Lucrative Deal, Inserts it into Standings.

Prediction: 2-1 City