John Terry Could Use A Selhurst Park-like Incident to the Face

By: Taylor Rockwell | September 17th, 2008

Much has been made of the recent decision by the English FA to reverse the red card of Chelsea’s heroic defender John Terry, who has clearly never done anything wrong ever and had never shown anything but respect to his fellow players and referees alike. Yet, many of you may not know the background of this legendary figure of English football. So, here’s a quick bio to bring you up to speed:

· December 7, 1980 – England’s Favorite Son is born… not surprisingly, he is also crying. Our Hero says hello to the world in predictable fashion

· April 4, 1987 – Our Hero is not allowed dessert as a result of failure to finish all of his vegetables (this decision was later reversed after Our Hero cried, sullenly walked away from the dinner table, and then filed an official appeal with the FA)

· October 28, 1998 – Our hero makes his first senior appearance for Chelsea against Aston Villa

· September 12, 2001 – Our Hero and his mates “donate £100,000 to the families of the 9/11 victims.” Nevermind that this donation was the result of a hefty fine leveled on Our Hero, Frank Lampard, Eidur Gudjohnsen, and several other Chelsea players after they elected to honor the victims of 9/11 by going on a five hour drinking binge in an airport bar, vomiting in public, and accosting American tourists whose flights back to the States had all been canceled. Such a generous donation from Our Hero… and he probably made it while he was still hung over…and crying… So courageous.

· December 5, 2001 – Named Chelsea’s Captain for the first time. His first act in the leadership position? Encourage everyone to respectfully encircle the referee and harp over every decision as much as humanly possible.

· August 22, 2002 – Our Hero leaves a courtroom in tears after he is cleared of starting a violent brawl in a West London nightclub.

· May 3, 2003 – Our Hero receives a standing ovation at the Bridge after tearfully confessing to a string of hobo murders.

· November 6, 2006 – He Who Is All That Is Man receives his first red card in a match against Tottenham. Charged with inappropriate conduct (and with rumors of racist rhetoric), Our Hero (with a superhuman amount of respect) accuses referee Graham Poll of inappropriate conduct. In a cruel twist of fate, it is JT who valiantly pays £10,000 for inappropriate conduct.

· May 21, 2008 – Our Hero is sabotaged by condensation and a clearly Manchester United-biased piece of turf. He tearfully attempts to appeal the decision. When his appeal falls on deaf ears, Our Hero responds the only logical way and spits on Carlos Tevez.

· August 12, 2008 – In what started off as a hilarious belated April Fools joke, Our Hero pledges to support the Respect the Referee initiative. “We’ve all seen where we want to go and stop surrounding referees - the respect is definitely there,” he added (without a hint of irony), before quickly punching a referee in the face, receiving a red card, and then refusing to leave the pitch. JT clearly respecting the referee by not letting his teammates surround the referee

So there you have it. This rock solid defender and unquestionable England captain has done more good in his lifetime than any other public figure in history. Except, perhaps, for Roman Abramovich, who kindly took the money of the people of Siberia and invested it a football club. Because why would they want indoor plumbing and heating when they could just as easily freeze to death watching £30 Andriy Shevchenko sulk his way to AC Milan?